Loaded looks, lingering kisses — then you and your partner fall into each other’s arms and the cares of the day melt away.
It sounds great, doesn’t it. But from what I’ve learned about long-term relationships after 30 years as a marital therapist, I wouldn’t be surprised if passionate love-making rarely happens for you.
If it does, it’s probably on holiday or during a weekend away — when you’re relaxed and have time for each other.
All too often, sex is the last thing on our minds after a long and busy day. And instead of bonding us, it becomes another thing on a never ending to-do list, a source of arguments or off-limits altogether.
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Marriage expert Andrew Marshall explains how to put the passion back into even the most lacklustre love-life
On Saturday, in the first part of our relationship-changing series that gives you the skills to put the spark back in your marriage — whether you’ve been together for three years or 30 — I explained the stages a relationship goes through after ‘happy ever after’ and why each needs a different approach.
Yesterday, I delved into why it’s not the big issues such as infidelity that ruin marriages, but an accumulation of the little mistakes we all make.
But one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a fulfilling marriage is a healthy love life — or lack of it.
Today, in the final part, I’m going to explain how you can put the passion back into even the most lacklustre love-life and rebuild the intimacy between you.
Fortunately, once the myths about sex (such as it’s all about athleticism between the sheets) have been challenged, and all your fears (Can I satisfy my partner? Does he or she still fancy me?) have been addressed, then sex becomes not just one of life’s greatest pleasures, but what binds you together and stops you from becoming ‘just friends’.
TALK ABOUT IT
The better you know someone, surely the easier it is to talk about sex? Surprising as it may sound, the opposite is likelier to be true.
Many of the couples I counsel are left guessing what the other likes or dislikes, because they last discussed it when they first met. When we’re with someone a long time, we develop a shorthand for communicating, but while it might make day-to-day domestic life easier, this can be damaging when it comes to intimacy.
Over the years, people’s needs and desires change, but your partner won’t know if you don’t tell them. Here are my dos and don’ts for talking about sex . . .
Over the years, people’s needs and desires change, but your partner won’t know if you don’t tell them
Don’t discuss it in bed: Though your bedroom is a private space, it is too loaded for such an intimate topic. If the conversation happens after sex, your partner will take it as criticism — and if you’re getting into bed, it could be seen as an invitation to make love, rather than the start of a genuine, honest conversation.
I recommend a long car journey together (less eye contact can make talking easier) or dinner (eating can cover potentially embarrassing silences or provide thinking time).
Do concentrate on the positive: We all have insecurities, so even the most innocuous statements can be heard as criticism.
So ‘I need to talk about sex’ becomes ‘You’re rubbish in bed’, or ‘We need to spice things up’ is: ‘I’m thinking of having an affair.’
Start with an unambiguously positive statement ‘I really enjoy our love-making’ or recall a particularly good occasion ‘Do you remember that four-poster bed in Paris?’ and explain what you liked.
Follow up with a question that invites your partner to think creatively: how can we build on that? If you have any complaints, put it as a positive. So ‘You’re rushing me and I can’t relax’ becomes: ‘I love it when you’re slow and take your time.’
Don’t use absolutes: As soon as you say ‘never’ or ‘always’, your partner will get defensive or find the one exception. Own your statements: ‘I feel’ instead of ‘You make me feel’.
Do be specific: When my clients first talk about sex, sometimes they discuss it in such general terms I have no idea what they mean.
So be precise. Instead of saying ‘I’d like longer cuddles’, try saying ‘I’d like to cuddle for ten minutes’, or your partner could think you mean hours of foreplay. If your partner says something upsetting, ask him or her to explain. You might have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
THREE MOST COMMON BARRIERS TO DESIRE
Lots of couples have a guilty secret they wouldn’t even tell their best friend, and certainly not discuss together. This secret is that once a couple has the right number of children for their family, sex often happens so sporadically that it’s probably less than ten times a year — what sex therapists call a low-sex relationship. This applies to one in five marriages. Most couples blame circumstances — stress, tiredness — but often it’s down to their attitudes and behaviour.
Lots of couples have a guilty secret they wouldn’t even tell their best friend, and certainly not discuss together
1. Unrealistic expectations
We all have expectations about how sex should be. With most of my clients, these are so deeply ingrained they don’t know they hold them.
So, I often get them to complete this sentence: ‘Sex should . . .’ The most common answer is ‘sex should happen naturally’, but when you have a family nothing happens spontaneously — not without a lot of groundwork first!
Other couples worry that ‘sex should always be special’ so hold back until everything is perfect, except that perfect time never arrives.
Perhaps the most damaging expectation is that ‘a couple doesn’t need to have sex to have a good marriage’ — this allows a low-sex relationship to drift into a no-sex one. Of course, no one should be pressured into having sex they don’t want, but no one should have to do without the sex they do want.
Turn it round: To keep a healthy and vibrant love life, forget spontaneity — you need to plan ahead and make a sex date. Of course, if one of you is under the weather you can reorganise, but always agree a new date and, if possible, still use the time to do something nice together, such as have a long, hot bath.
2. Pestering
You can get around the ‘all or nothing’ trap by agreeing a cuddle can be just a cuddle
Alan Riley is professor of sexual health at the University of Lancashire and he tracked levels of desire in a large sample, plotting them on a graph from highest to lowest.
The majority of us are in the middle, but Riley found that women tend to fall somewhere on the lower end and men on the higher end.
Therefore, a typical woman in a relationship with a typical man will want sex less often than he does.
Unfortunately, in a bid to get the sex he wants, this makes him likely to not only drop repeated hints, but make sarcastic comments or even crude remarks — a huge turn-off for his partner — or leads to duty sex (which doesn’t satisfy him and damages her libido).
Worse still, his wife is also more likely to repel all touch — whether sexual or not — because she’s worried that it might lead to intercourse.
Turn it round: You can get around the ‘all or nothing’ trap by agreeing a cuddle can be just a cuddle — not an invitation to sex. Agree places in the home where a loving touch — for example, cuddling and massages — is just that (for example on the sofa). In this way, you can both relax and enjoy the moment, without worrying if you’re going to get lucky or feel pressured.
3. Resentment
Many desire problems have their origins outside the bedroom.
If you’re the breadwinner, you can feel that your hard work isn’t properly appreciated. When it comes to running the house and organising childcare, it’s easy for the partner doing the lion’s share to feel unsupported.
However, instead of rocking the boat, most people swallow their dissatisfaction or let it seep out with barbed comments — either way it leads to the biggest turn-off of all: resentment.
Turn it round: If you can talk about issues, it not only resolves them, but stops another layer of resentment being added.
Try using the formula: I feel . . . (so your partner doesn’t imagine something worse) when you . . . (reassures your partner it doesn’t happen all the time) because . . . (so he or she doesn’t assume the wrong reason).
For example, I feel annoyed when you check your phone in front of me because it makes me think you’d rather be somewhere else.
BOOST YOUR LOVE LIFE — WITH A SEX DIET
This will be a shock: sometimes the best way to put the spark back is to stop having sex for a month.
My clients are often astonished: ‘We’re hardly having sex and you’re asking us to stop!’
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but there are three main reasons to stop having intercourse or other sexual contact:
1. It reduces tension between you and your partner.
2. It helps you get in touch with the full range of sensual pleasures.
3. The diet involves talking about sex, and that’s good for your overall communication.
WEEK ONE: CUDDLES
Raising a family, earning a living, and running a household are so tiring that we can demote love- making to the end of our list of priorities. Unfortunately, this can make you or your partner feel unwanted or unimportant.
Cuddling and sensual touch can begin to repair this damage, as you are never too tired to be held.
For the first week, stick to cuddles and non-sexual touching, such as massage. Take it in turns: I ask for at least ten minutes each for touching or being touched (but longer is fine).
Stop if you feel the desire to take things further. The idea is to re-discover the pleasure of being touched and if you become sexual you could overwhelm more subtle, but still important, sensations. End with a cuddle and discuss the experience and your reactions (especially unexpected ones).
WEEK TWO: KISSING
Beyond a peck on the lips, many couples abandon sensual kissing once they’re in a settled relationship, focusing instead on the sexual act. Partly we think snogging is for teenagers, and now we’re grown up and serious we overlook the fun of the preliminary stages.
But on your sex diet you can enjoy kissing for kissing’s sake and discover how important it is for building desire.
For the second week, continue with the touching you did in week one, but find new places to kiss your partner. What about the neck or elbow?
Take it in turns to experiment with different kisses — light, intense, nibbly. Finish with a cuddle and give each other feedback.
On your sex diet you can enjoy kissing for kissing’s sake and discover how important it is for building desire
WEEK THREE: SENSUAL TOUCHING
Elicit different sensations by stroking each other with velvet, silk, faux fur or other fabric and give each other feedback about what feels good. Stay with stroking and kissing, and allow your sensual touching to become more sexual. See how your partner likes to be touched, so you can use that in future love making.
WEEK FOUR: REPEATING WHAT YOU ENJOYED MOST
Repeat the week that worked best for you. And discuss what you’ve learned. Write down your discoveries and share them with your partner.
Think where you go from here. When you reintroduce sexual intimacy, is there anything that you want to change? These questions help my clients to share:
What are you embarrassed to ask for?
What do you wish I would do more of?
How can I tell you I’m interested in sex?
What turns you off?
Andrew G. Marshall is author of Make Love Like A Prairie Vole: Six Steps To Passionate, Plentiful And Monogamous Sex (Bloomsbury, £7.99). He leads a team of marital therapists in London and Sussex. More details: andrewgmarshall.com
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