Marilyn Stowe is a top divorce lawyer
After 30 years as a divorce lawyer I have heard all the excuses and all the explanations.
Given that we are all different as individuals, it is surprising how many of us tend to follow the same, habitual patterns of behaviour.
Some relationships can survive affairs but as a divorce lawyer, I tend to see the destructive effects of extra-marital liaisons. I see clients who have not been able to cope after learning of a partner's adultery.
They have endured their suspicions, but knowing of the affair has effectively terminated the marriage. In all these cases, the damage has been done. It has destroyed the trust that glued the relationship together. At least one party considers the marriage over and wants out.
At other times: well, it is not hard to tell if a client is having an affair, and it is not hard to tell if somebody is holding back the truth. I don't make moral judgements about a client's behaviour; instead, my role is to do the best that I can for them.
So, how do you know if your partner is planning to leave you? In my experience, these are some of the common early warning signs.
He starts taking an unusual interest in his clothes and overall appearance
You have nagged him for years about boring suits and stained ties. You have urged him to adopt a trendier hairstyle and told him that unwanted facial hair really isn't a turn-on.
Now he's taking action on his own - and alarm bells are ringing.
He becomes very protective of his mobile phone
How many times has a client told me about a spouse who behaves oddly and maintains a death grip on their mobile phone? The answer is far too many to remember! So far as marital breakdown is concerned, such activities have become epidemic.
One client of mine became suspicious after her husband began sleeping with his mobile under his pillow. One night, when she could stand it no longer, she manoeuvred it from beneath his sleeping head, crept downstairs, read the text messages from his lover - and woke him with her noisy demands for a divorce.
One or two of my well-known sportsmen clients found themselves in the divorce courts after they sent flirty text messages arranging illicit liaisons to their wives, instead of the intended recipients. Brawn doesn't always equal brains!
One of Marilyn's clients became suspicious of her husband as he slept with his mobile under his pillow
He takes out new credit cards in his name only and you never see the monthly bills
This is a sure sign that he is spending money on things he doesn't want you to know about. He's probably going to try and put some of the expenses through his business, so he'll be keeping the receipts somewhere.
He suddenly starts spending nights away from home 'on business'
He claims that his new position at work means he has to travel more frequently. Don't call him at the hotel as he will be with clients all night. He will call you when he's free. Really he will!
He takes an unusual amount of interest in your dietary regime and signs up at the local gym
After years during which his only exercise was carrying his beer to an armchair in front of the football, he is now desperate to regain his youth.
He begins to make snide and hurtful remarks about you and your views when in company
Feeling guilty about his affair, the only way he can justify his behaviour is to pretend to himself that you forced him into it by treating him badly. If his comments goad you into responding in kind, he can convince himself that it is all your fault.
He begins to drop the name of a female colleague into everyday conversation
Subconsciously he's comparing her with you. And it gives him a feeling of power: 'I'm so clever/powerful that I can drop the name of my mistress into conversation and not get found out'.
Marilyn says you know you're done when there is nothing left between you
He begins intercepting the postman and says he'll check the bank statements during a spare half hour at work
He's read all about men who get caught out by their wives finding hotel receipts in suit pockets, so he's paying for everything in cash. If he keeps the bank statements you won't find out how frequently he visits the cash point.
He trades in the family saloon for something sportier
The trusty old family car has always suited you in the past, but now the children have grown up, he says it's time to begin enjoying yourselves. James at work says the Porsche Boxster is such fun and so economical to run. Just try asking to borrow it for an evening.
He suggests separate holidays
He is so busy at work that he cannot take time off. But you and the kids should go; you can even take your parents and he'll pay. While you're away he won't have to rush those illicit meetings with his lover.
Sex is a definite no
He won't try the headache routine. However, he becomes incredibly understanding and sympathetic when he can tell that you are tired, have had a bad day or have an early start in the morning. Anything to avoid physical contact.
You know you're done when…
• You want out of your marriage or relationship because the thought of spending the rest of your life with your current partner makes you shudder. You may or may not have someone else in the wings.
• Your partner has betrayed you and you cannot forgive them. The trust between you both has broken down to such an extent that, even with counselling, you cannot fathom how that trust can ever be rebuilt.
• Your partner's behaviour has left you with little choice.
• Your partner has requested a 'trial separation'. In my experience, it is sometimes the case that one person decides the marriage or relationship has come to an end, but cannot bring themselves to tell their partner the awful truth. Instead, this person hides behind the charade of a separation.
'Let's see how it works out for the next few months', they say, giving false hopes and dreams to their partner. Months later, when these dreams are shattered, it is at a substantial emotional cost to the partner who worried, waited and hoped
• You have sat back and taken a long look at the pros and cons of each of your options, perhaps with the help of a close friend or a counsellor. As a result, you picture yourself happier out of the marriage than in it.
• You discuss the situation with your partner and reach a mutual decision: it's over.
• You were planning to stay together for the children, but the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that your children ask you to consider splitting up.
• There is nothing left between you.
• Your partner wants out of the relationship. This is often the most difficult reason to accept. Do you truly love your partner? If you did, wouldn't you let go?
Should we split up?
I am not a therapist, but I do spend my days working with couples in conflict. I have learned that more often than not, the ultimate reason for the breakdown of a relationship is a symptom of that breakdown, rather than a cause. So an adulterous affair that brings about a divorce may not be the initial cause of that divorce: the marriage may, to all intents and purposes, have broken down beforehand.
I advocate holding a marriage together whenever possible, assuming the co-operation and willingness of both parties.
The grass elsewhere is not always as green as it may seem. A subsequent marriage is just as likely - more likely, in fact - to founder.
However a relationship can only be rescued and revived when both parties believe that it is worth fighting for. Even then, it can only be saved when both parties are committed to that fight. There is a world of difference between a genuine desire to work to save a marriage when it is the shared aim of both parties, and when it is a hope and a prayer existing in one mind only. If only one of you wants to save the relationship, it isn't going to happen.
At some stage, you and your partner must have been happy together. You must have been in love and you must have been sexually attracted to each other. Perhaps you enjoyed your relationship sufficiently to have children together. Can those feelings be recaptured?
Don't expect miracles, but don't let anger take over. Don't lay blame. It's a waste of time. Remember what brought you together in the first place. Look for the good in one another, rather than the bad. Can you still laugh together? Have you really reached the end of the road? Or has the road turned a sharp corner? Don't look back. Look forward
Often, the biggest challenge is not recognising problems within a relationship, but knowing what to do about them. Often it is too trite simply to say 'try harder' or 'keep your sense of humour' or 'respect one another'. Whenever appropriate I recommend counselling services, which can equip you with all you need to give your relationship another go. If you try your best but are unable to make your marriage work by yourselves, what do you have to lose if you ask for extra help with your efforts?
And don't forget: divorce is tough. Even the most amicable divorce is still an emotional roller coaster.
Over the years I have developed a reputation for being frank with my clients, when they come to see me for the first time, about what divorce involves: the time, the cost and the toll on one's emotions. I tell them that a divorce is like having an operation on top of the Big Dipper, without an anaesthetic.
What is more, the grass is not always greener on the other side. All my years of working in divorce suggest that within a few years the same patterns repeat themselves.
What is more, the grass is not always greener on the other side. All my years of working in divorce suggest that within a few years the same patterns repeat themselves.
Marilyn's book, Divorce & Splitting Up: Advice From a Top Divorce Lawyer, includes checklists, case studies and FAQs
I am married myself and like most of us, I am a romantic at heart. I think the best relationships, the ones that last for life, are created when both partners want and do more for one another than they want and do for themselves, A shared sense of humour also plays an important role. Even when I am in the crossest of moods, my husband can always make me laugh. If you still have that spark, you can make it.
This doesn't mean that your relationship will be perfect. But continuing to give and to put one another first will help to keep your relationship in good health. It isn't always easy. Most of us are quite selfish but, if we consciously force ourselves to put the other person first, there is a really good chance of success. If a couple stops doing these things for one another - or even if just one of them stops - the relationship will falter and grind to a halt.
When I apply this test to people I know, some of them married for many years and others who are clients, either getting divorced or thinking about it, it rings true every time.
And if it is just too late for this, and you know or feel that your relationship cannot, should not or will not go on? In my book Divorce & Splitting Up: Advice From a Top Divorce Lawyer, I have a checklist for readers called 'You know you're done when…', which draws upon the experiences of the 10,000 clients I have seen over more than 30 years as a practising family lawyer.
Marilyn Stowe is one of the UK's best-known lawyers, the resident legal expert on This Morning and the senior partner at Stowe Family Law, the UK's largest specialist family law firm.
Her latest book, Divorce & Splitting Up: Advice From a Top Divorce Lawyer, includes checklists, case studies and FAQs to guide readers through divorce and out the other side.
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